I can't Stay
by Feigningintrest
Summary: They were separated before the war, he made his choices, she needs to decide if she can live with those choices.
1. Magic

**A/N: First of all THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH! To everyone who reviewed 'I Can't Stay' I never expected to get any reviews let alone such amazingly encouraging ones. Everyone seems to want a sequel unfortunately I had a little writers block since I never expected the story to carry on, I thought since I kind of had in mind what happened to get to that point maybe I would write it out as a sort of prologue or prequel and it might help me to get into it so I could give my lovely reviewers the sequel they say they'd like to see.**

**Also I was thinking of doing each chapter as a song-fic mostly because the music I've been listening to seems to be what's inspiring my writing, however I know that it's nearly impossible. So after this I may just write my "play list" as an A/N but not have to work the story thru the lyrics. (Any one who'd like to weigh in on that is more than welcome let me know what you want and I'm happy to accommodate.)**

**So without anymore of my rambling this is the Pre-qual to I can't stay.**

Magic

Though the year had gotten off to a rather rocky start for Hermione she was finally settling in. She had gotten used to her new living arrangements as head girl with Malfoy and had found ways to avoid him completely. Until just around Halloween when things took a strange turn after dinner one night.

"Granger" She heard his drawling voice from the couch in front of the fire. He didn't sit up he knew she would respond.

"What do you want Malfoy?" she had stopped walking but didn't dare get any closer.

"Come sit, I have something to say to you." He ordered now sitting up and gesturing to the armchair opposite him.

"What could you possibly have to say to me? I'm just a filthy little mudblood right?" she spat going to walk up the stairs to her room.

"I haven't said that all year, have I" he said cooly. She stopped at the bottom step, she hadn't noticed before this but now that she thought about it, he hadn't.

She turned to look in his direction, "I suppose you haven't, so what?"

"I just want to talk" he said standing up to walk towards her.

Her first instinct was to turn around and get to her room, this couldn't possibly end well. "Malfoy, what is there to talk about?" She stepped to the second step backwards as he got close enough that if he reached out he would be touching her. Being this high up still only put her at eye level with him.

"First of all I'm not going to hurt you, so relax." He reached out to touch her shoulder but she jerked it away fear swelling in her beautiful eyes."Hermione I swear I don't want to hurt you"

She faltered for a second. Hermione? Did he really just call her by her first name? She looked at him questioningly.

"Just come sit, please." He asked. She stepped down and he backed out of her way so she could get to the arm chair to sit down. He sat on the coffee table in front of her and looked into her eyes.

She squirmed under his gaze for a second, looking back into his grey eyes all of a sudden she was relaxing slightly. "What is it that you wanted to say?" She asked breaking the silence and the stare

"Look, it doesn't make any sense to me either before I say anything. But something is different this year. Maybe it's just proximity. Maybe the crucio's I've gotten in my lifetime are starting to catch up to me. But something's going on in my head, it doesn't make sense, and it'll probably cause nothing but trouble, but I have to say something, I have to know if you could understand it." he rambled.

"Malfoy what are you on about?" she asked "Is this one of your pranks?"

He looked into her eyes obviously dead serious, "Do I look like I'm kidding?"

"No" she whispered. "But I still have NO idea what you're saying"

"I feel something for you, I'm not sure what it is, but it isn't the hate I always thought it was, you're smart, you're challenging, you're brave, and you're beautiful." he spilled out.

"What?!" She wasn't sure she'd heard him right "This is a sick joke Malfoy and it isn't funny!"

"I told you Hermione, I'm not joking, and it makes no more sense to me than it does to you" He leaned over to her and Grabbed her shoulders staring into her eyes inches from her face. "I know I've been a ... how did you put it a 'foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach.' but something's changed."

_**You've got magic inside your finger tips**_

_**its leaking out all over my skin**_

_**every time that I get close to you**_

_**you're making me weak with the way you look**_

_**thru those eyes**_

She jumped at the physical contact for a second, then a sudden warmth swept over her starting under his hands and moving like fire over her. She couldn't move, She just stared into his eyes.

" I don't know what to say." She let herself get lost in his eyes and soon she felt his hand on her cheek and then he moved closer kneeling on the floor in front of her, now he was looking up at her, they never broke eye contact and before she could stop herself she leaned down and their lips met. She started tentatively never lingering for more than a few seconds before separating and going back. Suddenly there was no urge to separate even for a second, until they were forced to separate in need of air.

When they finally did break apart his hand still on her face she tried to turn away but he wouldn't let her. "Look at me," he said "You feel it too don't you. We don't have to do anything, I just needed to know if you felt it too." He stood up and kissed the top of her head and started to walk away.

She brought her fingertips to her lips, she could still feel his against them it was a comfortable tingling that she suddenly ached to feel again, "Ma- Draco wait" she called standing up. He was half way up the stairs and he turned to face her. "You said we don't _have_ to do anything, does that mean we_ can't_ do anything?" She looked at him coyly

He looked at her quizicly, "Hermione, we shouldn't, think about it" he was walking back down the stairs and she was walking to meet him "no one outside this room would understand."

"They don't need to," she had closed the space between them and was looking up at him again. She knew she wasn't making any sense, what she was proposing was insanity, a secret relationship with her best friends enemy, with HER enemy. "Bloody Hell even I don't understand it. All I know is whatever that just was," she gestured to the chair, " I want it again." She reached a small hand up into his hair and he snaked a strong arm around her thin waste.

"Hermione, do you know what you're suggesting?" he asked her leaning into her.

_**all I see is your face **_

_**all I need is your touch**_

_**wake me up with your lips **_

_**come at me from up above**_

She shook her head, she didn't know exactly what she was saying. All she knew was she needed to feel him kissing her again. He hesitated for a second before covering her mouth with his, this time more urgently. She opened her mouth to let him in, his tongue massaged hers, and her hands were holding onto the back of his head her fingers running thru the short blonde hair. His arms were around her intent on never letting her go. He pulled her up off the ground and realized just how light she was, and she pulled her legs up around him. He carried her up the stairs, walked thru the open door to her room, and kicked it closed behind him. He pulled away and looked at her again, her cheeks were flushed and she looked even more amazing than she usually did. He put her down on the edge of the bed and knelt in front of her. "Hermione, we can't do this" he told her "not yet, I need to know you understand"

"Understand what?" she asked.

"This doesn't change who we are?" he said "Outside these rooms, nothing changes, this, us, is purely physical." He explained.

"I understand, and I'm fine with that" she said pulling him to her and kissing him violently.

"I was hoping you would be" he said breathlessly pushing her down onto her back.

He knelt back down and started to unbuckle her mary-jane shoes then her knee socks slowly kissing down the length from her knee to her ankle on each leg. He slid his hands back up her legs torturously slow. She propped herself up on her elbows to watch him with a smirk to rival his. His hands finally reached the zipper on the side of her skirt and he pulled it down slowly kissing the line of skin that was exposed as he pulled it down. He trailed small kisses across her stomach where the fabric of her shirt had lifted and then started to pull her skirt down over her thighs stopping even inch to kiss a new part of her that was being exposed. His mouth followed as he unbuttoned her shirt kissing around the line of something he never expected to see under her clothes, black lace and push up, one thing he had to credit muggles for Victoria's Secret was a wonderful thing. She whimpered and wriggled trying to make him go faster, but he had waited a very long time for this, he was going to savor every second of it.

He also kept mental note of how she reacted to certain touches. He now knew that if he bit down gently on the piece of skin on her right side just above her hip her left leg would come up around him and if he sucked on the fleshy part of her neck by her collar bone she would arch her back forcing her perfect breasts against his chest.

Almost an hour later she was naked and begging for him, "Draco please, I can't take it anymore, I need you." With that he was above her.

"You're sure" he asked one last time, praying she wouldn't say no

"Merlin YES STOP ASKING AND DO IT ALREADY" She was getting frustrated, he took the opportunity to make her come a little further out of her shell.

"Do what 'Mione," he whispered in her ear, "Tell me what you want me to do" he ran his tongue down from her ear to her collar bone.

She knew what he was doing, she would never normally say it. But this was torture she needed him to just get on with it. "Fuck me Draco PLEASE"

"Why didn't you say so earlier" he sneered as he pushed himself into her. She bit her bottom lip to hold in the scream of release and pain that she felt all at once. He was bigger than she had expected and took some getting used to.

It was an hour before they separated again and he was laying next to her pushing brown curls from in front of her yes. "I should go." He said and she nodded he kissed her one more time and got up pulling on his boxers and grabbing the rest of his clothes. "G'night Granger"

"Night Malfoy" she said. He closed the door behind him and went to his own room. He lay in his bed staring at the ceiling wondering how the night had gone as far as it did. He had hoped that she would have slapped him again like she had in their 3rd year and he could curse her under his breath and move on. But she had felt it too, and they had acted on it. Things had just gotten way more complicated for him.

He slept fitfully and woke before the sun had a chance to make its full appearence in his window. He got up and found himself walking straight for her door. 'What am I doing' he thought 'purely physical I just want to see if she's as hot when she sleeps' he reasoned with himself as he slowly opened her door she was if it was possible even more gorgeous laying on her stomach sheets twisted around her still naked form. Her brown curls pulled up off her neck into a messy bun pieces escaping everywhere. Before he could stop himself he walked in and kissed her softly. She opened her eyes slightly and smiled. "Morning Malfoy"

He laughed and crawled into the bed on top of her kissing her with building urgency.

_**I need you**_

_**I remember the way that you move**_

_**your dancing easily thru my dreams**_

_**its hitting me harder and harder with all your smiles**_

_**you are crazy gentle in the way you kiss**_

They continued like this for months, acting as though nothing happened the second they walked thru the portrait door into the castle. They were head boy and head girl, they were obligated to walk the corridors at night together, but never dared to do anything more than smile at one another in an empty hall way. If they were caught if anything about them leaked it would be the end of both of their worlds.

One night at dinner he took a risk and smiled across the great hall at her. 'WHAT IS HE DOING' she screamed in her mind looking around making sure no one saw. She was sure no one had but it still bothered her. Why? They had agreed purely physical. Maybe this was his idea of extending foreplay even more. He already practically tortured her with how long he took to undress her and how he had to explore her entire body before ever giving in to her.

"You have to stop smiling at me" she said flippantly when they were back in their common room he had her pinned to the wall his face in her neck.

"What are you talking about?" he asked pushing her head to the other side so he could work on her neck some more.

"Today at dinner, you smiled at me, anyone could have seen" she said breathlessly_**.**_

"I think it just gets you going and you hate that" he laughed

"You're daft" she said burying her hands in his hair as he was on his knees biting and sucking at her sides and stomach.

"I'm always right Hermione now shut up I'm busy" he said pushing his hands up her skirt along the outsides of her thighs as he pulled her purple lace boy shorts down over her legs and then standing up to stand face to face with her.

"I won't 'Shut up' You know how dangerous it is if we get caught" she fought back but she didn't get to say anything more. He was kissing her gently and warmly. As usual she melted when he did this and her hands were fighting with his belt buckle and the button on his trousers.

_**oh baby I need you to see me the way I see you **_

_**love me by the way you kiss **_

_**in the middle of my dreams**_

She was laying alone in her bed wrapped in the sheet that smelled like him. He never slept in her bed. He woke her with soft kisses every morning but never slept with her. She fell asleep dreaming of him. She was breaking the cardinal rule she was falling in love with him.

He was staring at his ceiling again. Wishing that he could sleep next to her he knew if he did he would be giving away that he had broken the rules. He had fallen for her.

And so it went every day was spent throwing insults if the situation called for it. Although he never called her a mudblood. He stopped smiling at her even if no one was looking because he knew it scared her.

When they returned from Christmas break and were finally alone they all but attacked each other as soon as the door to their common room closed on them. "It was torture not being able to devour you." He said pulling at her shirt

"I thought I was going to die from withdrawl" she laughed biting his neck.

But something was different, he wasn't looking her in the eye anymore. Though it made her a little sad, it was probably better she was completely in love with him now, and doing all she could to keep from letting it slip out while he was kissing her.

Months passed with their routine unchanged. Only Draco seemed different now, withdrawn and one day in late March he wasn't at dinner. She noticed but thought nothing of it, he had actually been absent from dinner fairly often recently and usually she found him afterwards in the common room on the couch staring into the fire. This time however when she got back he was no where to be found. She sat on the couch and despite her best efforts to stop it, she started to cry.

Hours later when she had finally calmed down and had taken a book to the armchair she heard the portrait swing open and looked up. He walked in and she stood up "where were you? Are you ok? She asked.

"Granger, I want to tell you something sit down." he ordered.

"We're back to surnames are we Malfoy" She was angry, she knew it was never supposed to matter what he called her, or if he didn't come back but she couldn't help it.

"Just sit down and listen very carefully to me, I'm not going to have a discussion about this, I'm just going to tell you something." he said coldly

"Draco, what's wrong?" She said sitting in the chair.

He sat on the coffee table in front of her, and she couldn't help but smile. This was how it all started, It felt like an eternity ago that he sat her down like this. "Hermione, I told you when this started, that it wasn't going to change anything, and I meant it."

"I know, and it hasn't" she thought for sure he had figured out how she felt.

"Just LISTEN" he said. "We are still the people we were before this started. You are still working with Potter and Weasley, to defeat the Dark Lord," nodded not liking where this was going "Well over Christmas, I started the process to become what I'm destined to become."

"No" it was hardly audible she was shaking

"I told you Hermione, this changes nothing outside of this room" he said "but I'm leaving tomorrow morning, to take my mark, and to finish preparing"

"Preparing for what?" she asked angrily

"War, 3 days from now at 11pm, this castle will be full of death eaters, and The Dark Lord himself will not be far behind" he said solemnly. "We've been planning since Christmas."

"And you'll be with them?" she asked.

"Yes." He said

"Is there anyway I can change your mind, make you stay?" She was tearing up and holding onto his hands

"Leave with me right now, we can get far enough away from here, from anyone who knows us, before anyone knows we're gone" he told her, knowing that wasn't what she meant.

"You could go to Dumbledore, Change sides, join the Order" she said

"I won't do that, I can run if you'll come with me, but I will not turn." He said.

"I won't run" she said firmly.

"I didn't think you would" he said sadly standing up and kissing the top of her head "Then I guess this is good bye. Remember, three days from now 11pm" he said walking to the stairs.

Anger seethed thru her and she stood up, he wasn't getting away from this with out a fight...

**LYRICS ARE COLBIE CAILLAT MAGIC... AND JKR OWNS IT I JUST PLAY WITH IT.**


	2. I can't Stay

**A/N: First of all Its JKR's Doll house I just play in it. It all Belongs to her**

**Second of all I've never done this before so I would greatly appreciate reviews so I don't bother doing it again if I suck.**

**Just a oneshot song fic that wasn't supposed to be dirty but it went there so it's M for the little part towards the end.**

**The Song is Simple Plan, I can't Stay Lyrics are** **_Bold/Italic_**

**I Can't Stay**

The air in the room was thick with the events of the last two hours. The anger, passion, and fear still lingered like a thick fog around the couple laying in the bed, exhausted but unable to sleep because they knew that they would not be waking up together. Draco looked down and his silver eyes met her brown ones. He would never feel her skin against his, Never smell her perfume, See her smile even though she wanted to smack him, never hear her laugh, again. They had just said good-bye.

**_I don't wanna make this _**

**_harder than I have to _**

**_this is how it has to be_**

"MALFOY!! Don't you DARE walk away from me!" She screamed

"If you insist on screeching please put a silencing charm on the portrait hole, I don't need you waking the whole castle." He said calmly as he continued to walk up the stairs.

She threw a spell over her shoulder as she ran up the stairs behind him. His heavy door slammed just as she reached it.

"DRACO!! LUCIUS!! MALFOY!! Open this door!! This!! INSTANT..." She was pounding on the door with each statement. Just as her fist with all 110pounds of her body weight behind it fell forward the door swung open and instead of solid mahogany her now aching hand collided with his shoulder and she fell into him.

"Granger, honestly" he said "I'm standing right here why do you insist on screaming"

"You insufferable git" she said her face turning Gryffindor scarlet, and Draco could have sworn he saw steam coming from her ears. He hadn't meant to but it made him smirk.

"DON'T YOU DARE SMIRK AT ME!!" Uh-Oh that was a mistake he had set her off again.

She took a deep breath trying to regain her composure. "How can you tell me something like that and then walk away from me?" The anger was leaving and tears were forming in the corners of her eyes

_**theres so many things I wanna say**_

_**but you just wont listen to me**_

"It wasn't up for discussion. I just thought that I owed you an explanation. Since I'm very sure this is the last time I will see you" He told her.

"Draco, please" it was almost a whisper and her cheeks were already shining with tears "Don't do this, there has to be another way" Her hands holding onto his loosened tie.

"I told you Hermione, this isn't up for discussion." He put his arms around her and held her trying to convey everything he felt for her through that hug. He knew it was the last time he would be able to comfort her, and he was quite sure she was going to need comforting. He could never tell her that he had fallen in love with her.

_**I don't wanna hurt you **_

_**you don't wanna hurt me **_

_**I cant stand you and you cant stand me **_

_**we cant rearrange**_

_**you could never change me**_

_**nothing I can say would change your mind**_

"I gave you the only other option. You chose Hermione." He said into her hair refusing to look her in the eye.

"That's not an option, You know I could never walk away and leave them to face what you say is coming alone." She cried into his chest. "Leave with you and run from what I believe in. My friends are here. You could go to Dumbledore, explain, you could be safe"

"What you're suggesting is worse. It would mean not only abandoning my friends and my family, but fighting AGAINST them, maybe even KILLING them." Now it was his turn to be angry. "What happened between us this year has been amazing, but you know that we are fundamentally different people. You are everything I was raised to hate, and I am everything you and your friends have been preparing to fight against. Outside of these rooms we are enemies. Inside you are everything I ever wanted, but thru that portrait, in this castle, in the real world, unless we get as far away from everyone and everything we know, the reality is that we are nothing more than we were for six years." He was holding her at arms length.

"What happens when it happens, when the war begins. What if we find each other. I don't want to hurt you?" she said tears still coming.

"I don't want to hurt you either, and I won't, but I will not extend that courtesy to anyone else, know that." He said putting his hands on either side of her face and wiping away her tears with his thumbs.

"I won't hurt you, I can't" She said, knowing that there was a good chance they could both very well break their promises. If she found him hurting her friends, she would do anything she had to, to stop him. She was very sure that if she was face to face with Lucius he would do anything to stop her. She prayed none of them would meet in what Draco said was about to happen. "You know that as soon as you leave, I'm going to Dumbledore. I shouldn't even wait that long." She said.

"I would expect nothing less" he said knowing it was true. He was hoping for it. His side had been preparing for months, a few days notice would make the fight a little more fair. Her side would win anyway, part of him knew it. But there would be casualties, with some notice maybe it would keep her safe.

His hands were still on her cheeks. Her brown eyes felt like they were setting his on fire. One stray tear escaped the corner of her eye and instead of wiping it away he leaned down and kissed it away. This only served to make more fall, and his heart ached knowing he would have to leave her, and possibly never see her alive again.

_**I can't stay tomorrow Ill be on my way**_

_**so don't expect to find me sleeping in my bed **_

_**because when you wake up **_

_**I won't be there**_

"Stay." she knew he wouldn't but she had to try. She hadn't meant to fall in love with him, but she did. Loved him with everything she had.

"I can't stay. I'm leaving before dawn." He was less than an inch from her lips and whispering. It felt like someone was twisting a knife in his chest. Every inch of him screamed for her. To feel her hands on his skin, to hear her calling his name. He needed her. He pulled her to him his hands still on either side of her beautiful face. His lips found hers and kissed her. So softly he wasn't sure it was happening.

She put her hands on his wrists, holding onto him for dear life, tears pouring over both of their faces as she kissed him back.

When they separated he rested his forehead on hers, he could feel her tears on his cheeks, now his own were falling and mixing with hers.

"There's hours before dawn" She whispered. His hands left her face and wrapped around her waste lifting her off the ground and she wrapped her legs around him.

"Are you sure?" He asked as he walked towards his bed.

"It's a little late for that, If you haven't forgotten, we've already done this. A lot" She said kissing him hard.

"It won't change anything." he said before he buried his face in her neck.

"I know" she tilted her head back "I don't think there's any other way to say goodbye"

_**I don't wanna hurt you **_

_**you don't wanna hurt me **_

_**I cant stand you and you cant stand me **_

_**we cant rearrange**_

_**you could never change me**_

_**nothing I can say would change your mind**_

He layed her down kissing her with urgency. He bit her bottom lip and she bit back harder than she had meant to and a metallic taste of blood flooded her mouth. She pulled back to apologize but he just pushed her back again and bit her lip again until she gasped signaling the drawing of her own blood. It was morbid, he knew it, but it was like children who needed to prove they were best friends cutting their fingers to rub them together. The only way he knew to let her know that he would be with her forever. To show that he was not afraid of her blood.

His hands made short work of the clothes she was wearing. Usually this was his favorite part and he took his time teasing, but he needed to be as close to her as he could immediately.

She did the same pulling his shirt over his head and his belt open like it would save her life. There mouths only separated when the absolutely had to.

His hands and mouth found ever sensitive spot on her body from the back of her ears to her ankles he needed to remember how every inch of her looked felt and tasted. When he finally made his way to the warm, safe place he had taken comfort in so many times he blew lightly to push cool air over her, he felt her body tense for a second and then she whispered "Draco, please" His fingers lingered just outside for a fraction of a second before taking shelter in her and his mouth was just behind it. She moaned and pulled her knees to allow him more room. When he pulled his hand away she whimpered a little and his hand ran up her stomach over her chest and to her neck.

They were face to face again with him hovering over her he looked deep into her eyes as he lingered less than an inch from her. She moved her hips to try to meet him but he pulled away slightly staring into her eyes for what felt like an eternity and then just as she was falling into his eyes, in a swift motion his mouth took over hers and he pushed himself into her. Her satisfied scream being caught in his mouth. Her body tightened around him her chest heaving with shallow breaths. He released her mouth and sunk his teeth into her neck as he started to move urgently. Her head fell back and her hips started to move to meet his. She dug her nails into the skin of his back and dragged down. Subconsciously they were both leaving their marks, to make the other remember them even if it was only for the few days the marks would last.

What felt like an eternity later he was moving off of her spent body. She was trying to catch her breath and he couldn't take his eyes away from her beautiful flushed and sweating face.

"I can't convince you to leave with me." it wasn't really a question he knew she wouldn't.

"I can't convince you to stay." she said knowing it was hopeless.

_**This is the last night that I spend at home**_

_**and it wont take too long for you to notice**_

_**wont take long for you to find out that Im gone**_

Dawn was closer than ever now and he was holding her watching her sleep. He didn't want to leave but he knew it was time. He got up from his bed leaving her there tears threatening to overtake him he dressed quickly and knelt next to her sleeping form. He kissed her cheek and she stirred but didn't open her eyes. "I love you Hermione" he whispered before he disappeared from the room.

"I love you too Draco" she whispered with out opening her eyes after the door had closed behind him.

_**I can't stay tomorrow Ill be on my way**_

_**so don't expect to find me sleeping in my bed **_

_**because when you wake up **_

_**I wont be there**_

As she had said she would the first thing she did, after languishing in the sheets and taking in his scent one last time, was dress and run to Dumbledore's office. They had both kept their first promises, he left, and she went to the headmaster. She only hoped that they never had the chance to break their second promises. She didn't want to hurt him.

**A/N Ok so that's it my first ever fan fiction. Let me know what you think constructive is always better but if it totally sucked tell me so I know I need to find a new hobbie.**


	3. The Truth

_**Disclaimer: Their JKR's Doll's, It's her Doll House, I just like to come over and play. Nor do I own the line I used for Dumbledore's password. **_

_**A/N: I'm sorry it's taken so long. I honestly never expected anyone to even read my story let alone want more so I didn't expect to carry this further but ask and you shall receive. So finally I've gotten this worked out in my head and decided how I want the story to go. I had a few different ways I could have taken it, including; a little Malfoy, a dead Malfoy, and a Dead Hermione, all of which I started to write and absolutely was not happy with. Like I said the music I'm listening to inspires me, I was listening to Good Charlotte and doing some much needed cleaning not even planning on writing and this song "The Truth" came on and boom my brain went CRAZY...so I'll shut up and let you read now. **_

War had ripped Hogwarts castle apart. Students, order members, and Professors had given their lives. But finally after more than a decade of fighting, Voldemort was gone, and his death eaters were dead or in Azkaban. It was Halloween again, a year to the day since her life had gone completely upside down. She sat under a tree by the lake. She sat with Harry, Ron and Ginny, ready to tell the story of how she had betrayed them, and how she had saved them.

"Hermione, you're scaring me, please just tell us what's wrong." Harry pleaded.

"It's taken me so long to say this because I'm very sure that after you hear this, you'll no longer want to be near me, and I wanted to help with the rebuilding of Hogwarts to be done before I could no longer be here." she began sadly.

"Dumbledore said if it wasn't for you we would have had no warning. We all would have died, how could we not want to see you" Ron could be so naive she thought before continuing.

"It started Halloween night last year, things got out of hand, I never told any of you because I loved you all too much to hurt you. And I couldn't face losing any of you." tears were lingering behind her eyes but she refused to let them come, "That night, Malfoy approached me in our common room. He said we needed to talk, the conversation took a strange turn, and then went too far" Harry was looking at her confused and Ginny seemed to understand before any of them and her face hardened. "I slept with Malfoy that night"

"WHAT!?" Ron's trademark red ears showed themselves and he was shaking with rage. Harry was looking at the ground his bottom lip pulled between his teeth and his eyes closed as if he was trying to force the image of what he had just heard from his mind. Ginny looked right into Hermione's eyes, he usually friendly loving blue ones aflame with anger, "How could you?" She spat furiously.

"It gets worse, the relationship continued, until three days before the war. Until the day he left to become a death eater." her voice was low, she knew the day would come for her to tell her story, and she knew it would end her first and only real friendships. "Three days before the war began, Malfoy sat me down again, he told me that he was leaving, and why. I begged him to change his mind, to stay and join the Order, he wouldn't. He asked me to leave with him, to run away and leave everything behind, I refused. When he was gone, I went to Dumbledore and told him about the invasion and the rest you all know." She took a deep breath and waited for them to rip her apart.

"You disgust me" Ginny said, "How could you lie to all of us for an entire year?" she didn't really want an answer, Hermione knew that so she stayed quiet.

"You should have come to us." Harry finally spoke, his voice was calm, but it was obvious he was forcing it. "We were supposed to be your friends, you knew who he was, you kept coming to Order meetings, how much did you tell him about us?"

"Harry I never betrayed the Order, We never spoke of our alliances until that last night, and he told me of the invasion, I only mentioned The Order when I asked him to stay. I did many things that I wasn't proud of, but I NEVER did anything to put any of you in danger." She defended herself. "I never knew until that final night that he was going to become a Death Eater."

"Did you tell Dumbledore of your relationship?" Ginny asked.

"When I told him of the attack"

"Why Malfoy?" Ron asked.

"He approached me, he apparently had feelings for me for some time. I had never even thought about it, but when he kissed me, something changed." she explained

"I don't need to hear this." Ron got up and started to walk away

Hermione called his name but he put his hand up with out turning around and continued to walk away.

"You just broke his heart, he will probably never forgive you, and to be honest I don't think I will either." Ginny said getting up and running to catch up to her brother.

"Harry you have to understand, I never meant any of it to happen, and when it did I couldn't stop it. I couldn't tell anyone because I knew no one would understand, or accept." She was crying now

"You fell in love with him didn't you?" Harry asked but he already knew the answer.

"I did, but you have to understand I never..."

"Hermione, just stop talking I've heard enough." Harry looked her in the eyes for the first time. His emerald green eyes laced with anger and hurt were swimming in tears. "I would have been beyond angry, and probably would not have understood at first, but if you had come to me and given me the chance I would have tried for you. You didn't trust any of us, that's what's killing me. I won't say that I can never forgive you for this, but right now I think it would be best if you left the grounds. Go home, go out of the country, go anywhere but here because right now I can't look at you." He got up and walked towards the castle.

Hermione sat under the tree for another hour crying. She had lost her first love that night in her common room, she had lost friends in the war when Fred Weasley, Seamus Finnigan, Cho Chang and so many others had been killed by Death Eaters, She had lost mentors Snape at the hands of Voldemort himself, Moody, Lupin, and Tonks. Now the worst loss of all, her best friends. She was broken, and she was sure that she would never be whole again.

Hermione stood from her place in the grass, pulling her hands over her face to dry the tears when a voice behind her made her jump.

"Ms. Granger," it was Dumbledore she turned to face him, "I'm terribly sorry I didn't mean to startle you, I would like to speak with you. I am no longer young and sitting on the grass in October would surely be detrimental to my health and my aged bones. Take a few minutes to freshen up and compose yourself and meet me in my office, say an hour from now?" He asked.

"Of course, Sir" she said quietly not trusting her own voice.

He left her and after a few minutes of staring out over the lake she also made her way to the castle.

In the first deserted bathroom she could find she threw water on her face and looked into her own reflection. "So together all your life, and now look at you, you threw everything away for him, and where is he now..." she said aloud to the mirror.

Where was he now? It hit her, she hadn't seen him at all during the battle, not that she had seen any of their faces with those horrifying masks. But she was sure she hadn't seen him, she would have recognized his build, his voice, his eyes. If he had been in the castle that night, she hadn't encountered him. Of course he had been there.

She knew he hadn't been amongst those killed that night, and his name wasn't on the list of Death Eaters captured that night or in the days following. However he was cunning, and smart he must have gotten away.

She shook her head trying to get the thoughts of him out of her mind. He haunted her dreams at night, wasn't that torture enough with out him creeping into her waking thoughts as well. Once she pulled herself together she made her way to Dumbledore's office.

As she approached the end of the hall she saw Harry and Ron were coming from the Gargoyle. Ron averted his eyes to the ground, Harry looked at her only for a second before looking away as well. She dropped her head and took in a breath. Fighting to keep the tears from falling Hermione said to the Gargoyle "The opposite of war isn't peace, It's Creation" it jumped to life and revealed the spiraling stairs behind she stepped on and when it reached the top she stepped to the door and knocked.

"Come in Ms. Granger" she did "early as usual I assume you ran into your friends at the bottom?" he asked

"I saw Harry and Ron, I wouldn't say they were my friends anymore, but that's my own fault." she said "You wanted to see me?'

"Yes I did, I wouldn't be so quick to assume that you are no longer friends, true friendship like you have with Mr.'s Potter and Weasley and Ms. Weasley as well, are never really damaged beyond repair. I'm confident that given time, and maybe a little new information, you will find they come around."

"They came to you, didn't they? To ask if I really told you the truth about Draco and me." She asked

"They did, and I told them that you had been very honest with me as to where your information was coming from." He said. "I had hoped you would have told them sooner, but I understand why you didn't. However I did not ask you here to discuss what has already been discussed, or the state of friendships I am sure will be made right sooner than you think" He started. "However I expect that what I have to say may in fact make the road back a little less rocky.."

Hermione was confused now, what could he have to discuss with her, he had never called on her like this before. "Professor, with all due respect, why would you need to see me, certainly anything of importance should be discussed with Harry."

"I'm trusting you to discuss it with Harry, Ron and Ginny as well, when you have had a chance to process, and come to terms with it yourself." He said

"I'm sorry I don't understand." She apologized.

"Of course you don't, but you will. 'The opposite of war isn't peace, it's creation' my password Ms. Granger, do you understand that?" He asked her

She understood this perfectly well. "War isn't so much about the conflict, so much as it is about destroying or killing the opposition, the opposite of destruction and death is creation, therefore the opposite of war isn't peace it's creation." She explained.

"Always so perceptive." He smiled "Creation, and reparation really, I think that your friendships are not beyond reparation, and the creation of new friendships may be in the making as well. You have all been through more than anyone your age should have to. You have seen and done things that will be with you forever, you will all need each other. I expect Harry has explained to you that love was always the one thing he had the helped him to defeat Voldemort?" He equestioned. She nodded, "You found love Hermione, in your friends and in Draco, I believe that will be your greatest asset in this struggle."

Hermione just looked at him confused.

"Maybe this will help." Dumbledore came around his desk and motioned for her to follow him to a cabinet on the other side of the room. Hermione recognized the cabinet from Harry's description...

_**AN: It's rather short, but if I started the next section of the story it would run much too long. So I stop here for now but I SWEAR now that I've finally found a direction for the story that I'm satisfied with my next update will come much sooner. **_

_**Reviews and Constructive Criticism are always welcome and greatly appreciated. Flames aren't fun but if it sucks that bad I still wanna know so flame away if need be. **_

_**OH ... And Cookies and Chocolate Milk, and a very small peak into the future of the story for anyone who can tell me where Dumbledore's Password came from. :) **_


	4. Memories

**A/N: Kaikuduo some wonderful guessing...not 100 accurate but warm... :) and Congrats to Deeper.into.me who guessed correctly Dumbledore's password is from rent it's my absolute favorite line from La Vi Boheme B. So credit for that line goes to the wonderful and greatly missed Jonathan Larson I'm also VERY SORRY for the long wait. I started my new semester and had the registration/advising and running around campus on my only day off for several weeks prior. I've been writing every chance I get, now that the semester's underway I can honestly say that my update time probably won't improve too much since I'm trying to graduate with honors in May so school work comes first, but I'm having a lot of fun with this story, and the fan fic experience in general so I certainly will not be giving up so no worries just please be patient with me. :) I really do love and appreciate all the support I'm getting from every one.**

**As always it all belongs to J.K. Rowling**

Hermione felt the floor below her disappear, there was a strange spinning sensation, and then her feet hit solid ground again she was in the same office she had just left, however she was standing behind Dumbledore's desk. There was a knock on the door and the Dumbledore sitting behind the desk called out for the person to enter.

When the door opened who Hermione saw made her heart stop for an instant. She felt the hand of the Dumbledore standing next to her pat her shoulder.

"Draco it's rather late, or early I suppose since I believe dawn is approaching." Dumbledore said. "To what do I owe this pleasure."

"Sir, I'm sorry to disturb you, but this is urgent. I'm not even sure where to begin really," Draco was flustered, Hermione had never seen this before.

"I find the beginning the best place to start any story, please sit." He gestured to the chair before his desk and Draco sat with his legs open head bowed looking at the ground.

"As I'm sure you are aware, The Dark Lord is gaining power," Draco's voice was low but unwavering Dumbledore nodded, "Since the start of term my father has been 'grooming' me. He insists that I follow in his footsteps, and I must admit I had every intention of doing just that. Recently however my heart hasn't really been in my training." Draco stopped, why was he doing this, surely he was signing his own death certificate.

"If I may be so bold as to venture a guess, you say your heart has been elsewhere, would that happen to be in your heads dorm with a certain Gryffindor?" Dumbledore asked knowingly.

Draco's head shot up, "I ... How... Well... Yes sir. But how?"

"Draco while I am quite sure that no other student has been the wiser to your relationship, it is very difficult to keep young love from adults. Myself, as well as some of your more perceptive professors have noticed changes in the behavior of both you and Ms. Granger over the last few months. The loss of a rather horrible word from your vocabulary being one." The old man smiled. "What I need to know now is, why are you coming to me with this information Mr. Malfoy?"

"She'll be coming to you, in a few hours if not sooner, to tell you of an invasion of the castle by the Death Eaters and their Master. She thinks that I have gone to accept my fate, to take the dark mark, and then to participate in the invasion. I can't do any of those things. I know that what I am asking you is more than I deserve, more than I should. I just have no other way out. I need your help, your protection. I know that this will come at a price and I am more than willing to give you any information you require. I will even give you information on my Father if that's what you want." Draco looked up to the man behind the desk his steal eyes pleading.

Hermione was looking into them as best she could, she took a few steps closer her hands aching to reach out and touch his face again. But just at that moment her feet left the ground, the spinning began and her feet hit solid ground again in the dark corner of Dumbledore's office standing beside the headmaster.

"He didn't... I never thought... but where is he?" she looked up at the twinkling blue eyes and he gave her a comforting smile.

"I know that you had asked to participate in the rebuilding of the Head's dorm, and you were denied the privilege. I think that it is time for you to meet the man who was responsible for that job. You remember where it is I'm sure, the portrait has changed and the password is love. Go ahead." He squeezed her shoulder gently and she smiled up at him with tears behind her eyes.

Hermione couldn't believe what she had just seen. She made her way as quickly as she could without running to the place she knew she would find the one person she had been sure she would never see again.

She reached the portrait of Godric Gryffindor and He smiled down on her. "I was wondering when I would see you" the portrait spoke. "Dumbledore said I could expect you tonight. He also said that you may need to be reminded of the quality that I valued most in my house, Bravery. I'm assuming that means that your's has been tested."

"Faltered really" she said shamefully

"No one is perfect. You'll just have to admit to your mistake and be brave enough to make it right" He said.

"I hope I'll have the chance, thank you Sir." She said "Love" The picture swung open and Hermione walked into the room where it had all begun.

He heard voices downstairs while he was lying on his bed remembering, as he always did when he lay down for the night, the last night he had spent there before the war began. The portrait was talking to someone. He heard the voice that spoke back, it was her. His heart raced and suddenly the room felt like it was spinning. Then he heard the portrait open and close again. He sat up slowly, this had to be a dream.

Hermione walked in to find a fire burning, and the remnants of a meal spent alone. She looked around, and when she found no one she made her way up the stairs to what had once been her door. The door was open and the room looked exactly the same as it had the day she had seen it for the first time. She walked slowly to the closed door down the short hallway. She placed her hand on the knob and took a deep breath before turning it slowly.

He heard footsteps stop just outside the door and held his breath. It had to be her, no one besides Dumbledore knew he was here. Just as that thought registered th knob turned and his heart stopped. When the door opened he was convinced he was dreaming. The woman he had given up everything for was standing before him. She looked tired, sad, and anxious, and he knew that a lot of that was his fault.

Draco made his steps towards her cautiously unsure of how she would react to him. When he finally stood close enough to touch her he looked into the warm eyes he had missed for so long, "hi" he whispered.

She tried to fight the tears but they fell for what felt like the thousandth time that day. "Hi" she choked out before she reached up to touch his cheek. "Is what he showed me true." Draco had closed his eyes at the feeling of her touch and he kept them closed as he nodded. "I looked for your body, I watched the lists for your name, I thought the worst of you, I never expected you to do this, I'm sorry" she burried her face in his chest and just kept repeating I'm sorry thru her sobs.

His arms went around her and he just got lost in feeling her again for a minute, when he trusted his own voice to speak it was low, "I know you are, and I'm sorry it had to be the way it was, but it was the only way."

Harry sat before the fire in the new Gryffindor common room staring into the flames, where he always sat with Ron and Hermione, where they had planned each adventure, where each fight had been resolved, and he cried for the loss of his friend. He couldn't understand how she could lie to them, to him, all that time. Dumbledore had sent a message that he wanted to see Harry first thing the next morning, that there were things he needed to know. He was to meet him at the portrait of Godric Gryffindor on the 6th floor at 10am. He felt he had received enough new information for a lifetime but he would go, he had no choice.

A/N: Love it? Hate it?


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